What you don't know
by crystielovesyou
Summary: Clare has been abused since she was thirteen, Eli doesn't find out until Clare's dad rapes Clare and Clare become distant. MAYBE rated M later on. Please read my new and improved version to make it more realistic.
1. Chapter 1

**_Authors Note _**

**_Hey you guys this is my first fanfic review if you want more plz review_**

_Clare POV_

_My life has been a living hell_ even_ I'm surprised I didn't kill myself yet._  
><em>The only thing or should I say person who kept me going was my angel, Elijah Goldsworthy. Well most will say devil because of the dark clothing and smart ass attitude but once you get past all that he is sweet, loving, and caring<em>

_We've learned everything about each other, well almost everything about each other ... you see there's more to Darcy leaving then I mentioned to Eli . I only told him that Darcy left after the rape. The real story is my dad got drunk abused and raped her. Yes I said abused you heard me St. Clare's dad abuses the family. Darcy got the worst of the damage and she couldn't take it anymore so she packed her bag and left but she vowed to me that she would come back for me. I guess your wondering where my mom fits in the picture. It is not some sad story where the mom left or died no my mom's too afraid so she drowns herself in work and doesn't bother to come home only to come on weekends known as Dad's sane days. Your probably wondering how I get by Eli with I use makeup and no sex. He really thought that the reason I wouldnt have sex with him was because of my little abstinence ring on my finger. Abstinence ring my ass the ring has meant nothing since I was 13. I just didn't want him to see the bruises and cuts from my blade. I cut that's right. I love to feel the cool and tingling sensation in my arm but mostly the numbness in my arm the numbness of pain. "CLARE" oh shit_


	2. Chapter 2

**_Authors Note_**

**_Hey you guys i know i havent updated in a long time but i will start posting regularly. sorry for such a short chapter enjoy!_**

"CLARE" That hard drunken voice yelled

Oh shit I'll just ignore it

All I think about is Eli I wouldn't lose him if my life depended on it. Sometimes I ask myself why I'm even living? My life is so messed up it's a shame ... Hmm I wonder if my so called (Daddy) really gives a damn about me or my family. One Day I'll snap and do something I shouldn't. Sometimes I ask myself why me? As a matter of fact I ask myself this all the time...Damn only if you knew, only if you understood, only if you were me… "Thoughts of Saint Clare ".wait we can imagine can't we...OK

Imagine your life as mind imagine your dad slapping the shit out of you every chance he gets just because he feels he can. Imagine your father staring at your ass while You bend down to get something out of the fridge, then turning around to see him not even caring that you caught him, not even turning his head to make it seem like he was looking somewhere else. Imagine your own Damn Dead Beat father….. Scaring your mother off imagine that. Just Freaking imagine ... ugh... I'm taking a nap in fact I'm just going to sleep till society wakes me.

"Bitch I know you hear me"

_HE_ yelled he yells so loud it sends a shiver down my spine. I need to get down there. I get up and say

"Yes daddy" in the sweetest voice ever hoping it would cause his anger to die down.

Well a girl can dream can't she?

He then yelled come to the bathroom there was two bathrooms his and mine I ran to my bathroom because he sounded as if He was in there. When I went in there he was standing there red in the face angrily pointing at the empty roll of tissue.

"WHAT IS THIS?"

"I'm sorry daddy I'll pay for more. " I said stuttering out the word breathing heavily after every word.

"No come here you ungrateful bitch" I tried to escape. I really did.

I backed away and then decided to make a dash for it but he caught me and pulled me down by my hair. This caused me to fall backwards and crash my head on the wall. His glare was harder than before and he whispered venomously

I reached behind my head feeling the blood start to trickle from my head.

"I am stronger than you and I am faster than you. I don't even know why you try"

My eyes widened in fear. Apparently my dad didn't take it like that.

"You think you can stare me down…Huh….. You think just because you are a teenager that you can disobey me. TRY TO RUN AWAY FROM ME. CHALLENGE ME."

He screamed at every word his voice got louder and louder. As his voice got louder it somehow seemed softer. Maybe I was going in and out of consciousness.

"YOU WANT TO IGNORE ME YOU BITCH. SIT THERE AND CLOSE YOUR EYES LIKE IT WILL MAKE ME GO AWAY. GUESS WHAT YOU SLUT I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE."

Then it hit me he would always be here I am only 15 years old I have nowhere else to go. I would be his punching bag for the next three years and there was nothing I could do about it. That realization struck something in me and I did something I always hated to do.

I cried. No not cried but sobbed hysterically.

That only caused him to stuff a hand towel in my mouth. I tried to spit it out but he stuffed it down farther. I tried my best to scream but couldn't as he dragged me by my short auburn curls to the stairs only to let go causing me to fall down the stairs face first finally letting the hand towel out my mouth. I heard his heavy boots stomp down the stairs. I screamed stops and please don'ts but it was no use. He stepped on my stomack I kicked and screamed but to no avail I fell on deaf ears. " YOU-" kick to the ribs causing and intense pain to shoot up through my body. " UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BITCH" stomp to the leg causing me to scream . Each blow was harder than the others and was followed by a profanity.

"Daddy please stop it"

" Not until you learn a lesson"

With that he dragged me by my hair and into the kitchen. I screamed all types of pleas but I must have really pissed him off this time because he smashed my face onto the stove struggling to get the stove on I thought to myself this is now or never so I did something I never thought I would do. I fought back or well I tried. So before he could turn the stove on I kicked him in his crotch causing him to groan and stumble back. Still it was not the end he grabbed me by my neck and pushed me against the refrigerator shaking me his hands getting tighter and tighter. I felt my throat closing. I was struggling trying to catch my breath. There were these walls that I felt trying to close in on me. My vision getting darker and darker it was getting harder to see. Finally he let me go. Allowing me to slide down the fridge on my back landing on my butt. I couldn't stay in that position for long as I collapsed to the side on the floor. He kicked me one last time muttering incoherent insults before stomping out of the kitchen he then slammed the door and left without another word probably off to drink at some sleazy bar. I fell asleep on the floor thinking about my beautiful dark angel.


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up but I felt something hard only to open my eyes to a cold floor. Then my mind went back to the screaming, crying, and burning. I got up practically limping. Every step I took hurt. I went to the bathroom and looked at myself my face had a bruise on one cheek and a burn mark on another. As I touched my face tears slid down my eyes and I slid down the wall. Once I hit the floor my hands reached up and grabbed the razor from the sink. I grabbed it and pressed down until my flesh tore. Each cut a little deeper.

One for lying to Eli.

One for being the cause of my parents relationship.

One for just sitting there crying while he touched my sister.

One for being so fucking useless

Each cut made more tears come down. Not from the physical pain but mental pain.

I got up and took off the bloody clothes. And I stepped into the shower. The hot water ran down and hit every bruise and scar on my skin making me wince in pain. I took the soap and washcloth and scrubbed every inch of my body. This happened all the time. Every time my dad beat me I felt dirty. I could never get the feeling of his big clammy dirty hands out of my mind and all the bruises he caused with them.

Every scar and bruise each one reminding me why I'm hated so much he hits me. I know no matter how hard my mom tries to hide it she fucking hates me.

Because I am the reason my dad hurts the family.

I'm the reason my mom never comes home from work

I'm the reason Darcy was raped.

I got out the shower thinking all the reasons my dad hates me and I wonder if it's because he never wanted an ugly fat fuck as his daughter. Now thinking about it I don't blame him as I stand naked in front of the mirror looking at the flabby overweight reflection staring at me. I couldn't take it anymore. So I ran to the toilet with tears streaming down my eyes and dropped my bare knees on the floor and stuck my finger down my throat only to have a gag reflex but I couldn't stop I had to get the food out of my system. After a couple of tries the food I had eaten had come up. I was coughing and sobbing and I couldn't stop. It felt good I felt myself one step closer to perfection…. I got up and brushed my teeth rinsing away all the puke. I slowly trudged to my room stripping into my pajamas. Putting headphones in my ear I pressed play on the song I lay down drifting off to sleep but not before my last thought

"What would Eli think of this?"

"What would Eli think of this?"… I stared in my mirror while getting ready for school. I was putting on my usual attire a gray long sleeve shirt and black sweatpants with combat boots. I looked in the mirror as I put on makeup to cover up the bruises and thought back to the time where I would have my long wavy hair with my glasses. This was when I used to wear nothing but floral print dresses. That was then when I was happy and not worrying what my boyfriend would think of my self-harm. I concluded my answer Eli would be happy he would finally have a skinny girlfriend. Something I know he always wanted. I didn't realize tears were streaming down until I looked in my mirror. I quickly wiped the tears and ran downstairs looking at the kitchen it was taunting me but I knew if I ever wanted to be skinny that's a no-no. I closed the door and started to run to school. I forgot Eli was supposed to drive me to school he was sitting outside my house the whole time. He started to follow me and honked the horn.

I turned around to see his gorgeous face. I walked and climbed into the front of the hearse.

"I'm hurt Clare you would rather run to school than see my face"

The green eyed boy said feigning hurt. Though it was a joke you could still hear the concern in his voice. He started driving then we finally got to school.

"Blue Eyes"

That nickname made my heart melt

" What's wrong"

"Nothing"

I said lying straight through my teeth.

" Thanks Eli for asking"

"No problem Blue Eyes, um you know we still have 20 minutes before school starts"

And with that his lips captured mine into a kiss that made me forget everything including my bruises. The kiss was full of the closeness we needed after being distant this kiss was getting a little carried away and his hand found its way to the hem shirt revealing my bruised stomach. Before he could notice I slightly pushed him up and said

"Stop" while staring into his eyes. "Why? Why Clare It seems like you don't want to be with me"

"Well excuse me for thinking my boyfriend wanted me and not the sex" I screamed and completely pushed him off of me. "Clare I didn't mea-"But before he could finish I got out the car and slammed the door running up the stairs with tears in my eyes. My vision was a little blurry but clears enough to get to first period on time. The whole three periods I had to listen to my stomach growl and remind myself I didn't need food all it did was make me fat. Finally the bell rang signaling lunch time I hurried trying to find Eli to apologize for my outburst but then I saw it more like saw them. Eli and Imogen sitting together laughing and talking. I know it seems like I'm over reacting but she is everything I'm not. She is pretty, confidant, and most importantly skinny. Plus Eli seemed like he enjoyed her company more than mine anyway so I ran to the library where no one will try to make me eat. I picked up a book on quotes and sat down and started to read. But one quote was trapped inside my head.

There is such a thing as perfection... and our purpose for living is to find that perfection and show it forth... Each of us is in truth an unlimited idea of freedom. Everything that limits us we have to put aside. (Richard Bach).

This stuck to me because my purpose of living was to be perfect and in my mind the only way to be perfect was to be skinny.

(A/n yup I'm bringing Imogen in this you will meet her in the next chapter I don't want to give away too much but she is going to have a huge effect on Clare reaching her boiling point. Um reason you haven't seen me in a while well there are two reasons first I need help on ideas so if you have any put them in your comment and second this commenter 'k' said something mean but I realized I'm not here for everyone to like me well bye till next time


	4. AN

Hi Guys, as a more experienced writer I was wondering if anyone would want me to go back from the beginning and create a beautiful story. This story has so much potential. I just want to see if anyone was interested please leave a comment if you are thank you


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